To Keep Living
by GraveDigger Resurrection
Summary: OOTP SPOILERS. Missing scene where the incident in Dumbledore’s office left off. The beginnings of a fatherson relationship. Short, complete. REVIEW RESPONSE ADDED.


**Title:**To Keep Living

**Rating:** PG-13

**Categories:** Angst/Drama

**Summary:** OOTP SPOILERS. Missing scene where the incident in Dumbledore's office left off. The beginnings of a father/son relationship. Short, complete.

**Author's Note:**Wrote this one during math class ::grins:: OOPS! Anyway, I'm fond of it one minute and I hate it the next. It's up to you to decide my mind for me. Please do.

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_That tear._

You were so bloody full of yourself. So damn sure you knew exactly what was right. What was best. And I wanted to deflate you.

_And now I have._

It was 1 hour, 27 minutes and 53 seconds ago that he fell. Back into that unending abyss. Lost forever behind the veil because I was too proud and righteous and hell-bent on saving everyone. Too foolish, too _stupid_ to realize the truth.

_You were right._

You always are. I revel in the fact, trust in it. I secure myself in your knowledge. I follow blindly wherever you lead me.

_And where are we now?_

Well, more importantly, where is _Sirius_ now? He's gone, isn't he? And he's never coming back. He should be here. You know it, and I know it. He should be here with me, listening as you hand out this horrifying fate of mine. But he's gone, damnit, and I hate you for it!

_I hate you_

You know why? Because I _can't_. I hate you _because I can't really hate you_. I want to rip into you, to rage and fume against you. To loathe you with every fiber of my being. But I can't. Why? Because you did it all for me.

_For me._

All the distance and the silence and the shunning and the isolation. You thought it was the only way to protect me. The abandonment, the lying, the manipulation and the secrets. All for me. You only wanted me to live a normal life for as long as possible. You only wanted me to be happy, and I see that. Pity I spent ten years in a bloody closet.

_You have misjudged._

You've done it quite a lot, actually, sure that your wisdom is equal to your age when comparing yourself to others. You thought Petunia would overcome her hatred of my mother in the face of the little child you left on her doorstep. I'm sure you imagined a little less love and a little less luxury in store for me than most other children might receive. But the neglect? The hatred and the harsh words that stung worse that the occasional backhand? Both were showered on me throughout my young years as love is upon others. I doubt you expected, and I cannot believe you knew. In fact, I know you were, or still are to some extent, unaware.

_And I've kept it that way._

So maybe it makes sense that you put your faith in Snape. After all, you didn't really know enough about your first mistake to learn from it. But afer seeing my father's actions towards him, I do not think you should have expected some sort of absolution or even resolution between us. It was almost as short sighted of you as lying to me all this time has been. But then again, you did not go rushing into the Department of Mysteries after a figment of your imagination, did you?

_1 hour, 32 minutes, 6 seconds._

And the sun is coming up. The sun is rising and the students are rousing themselves and the world is still turning and Sirius is dead. And somehow that sick irony makes sense. It hurts like hell, but when put up against nature it is blameless and clear. Life, _my_ life, goes on whether I want it to or not.

_But for how long?_

The count is13 minutes, 24 seconds since you told me the truth about my 'life'. If it really is _mine_. So how much longer will I have to worry about it, about any of it? Some morbid, twisted part of me is tempted to keep this countdown of the seconds, the minutes until I perish or destroy. That same part of me is tempted to call out the numbers to you in greeting every time I see you, watching as your weathered face grows weary and old and that damned twinkle is finally extinguished from your gaze. But as I look at you now, sitting there with your head in your hands and the weight of the world on your shoulders, I know I can't. You've kept that weight off me for as long as you could.

_My destiny._

So here we are now, in silence so tense and so tight it's smothering us both. And for the first time in my life, I don't need to wonder what you're thinking. After all, for all your greatness, you're only human. Strange that my greatest epiphany through this ordeal would be the realization of that fact. You're only human.

_And so am I._

So why then? Why do I have to fulfill this cursed prophecy? Why must I, a mere human, be forced to complete this superhuman task? Why do I _have to_? Haven't you always said it is our choices that make us who we are? But if this is my purpose in life, do my choices make a difference? As I stand here now, I realize that they do. They decide whether I win or lose. Yes, I am who I am because of my choices. And that's why I've got to do it. That's why I choose to.

_But I can't promise anything._

Do you hear me? I can't promise you a single thing. I cannot swear to you that your Golden Boy will pull through this victorious. I'm not sure I can kill him. Even if I possess the skill, I'm not sure I hold the will to murder him, to strike him down. Not even to destroy the monster he's become. I'm not a murderer!

_And neither are you._

That's what it comes down to. You didn't make me disregard Occlumency. You didn't make me peek into Snape's Pensieve. You didn't force me to go to the Department of Mysteries. _You didn't push Sirius._ And once again, you rescued me.

_You saved me._

And I'm not just speaking of last night. You've been saving me my entire life. From leaving me on Privet drive, to this latest, greatest trouble. Each time you spoke or smiled, you guided me away from a lost neglected little boy, shaping me carefully into the man I've become and opening my eyes to a world beyond my wildest dreams. And I don't think I will let the events of last year eclipse the favor you have done me. I may have lost Sirius, but I'm suddenly realizing that you're still here. You always have been.

_My anger fades._

You're still not looking a me, your face buried in your hands as your mind is buried in the guilt we both share. I know that more tears than that first, earth-shattering one have fallen during this silence. And now that I'm sure you're human, I can do it. I can forgive you. And maybe...in time, I can forgive myself too.

_I move forward._

You don't seem aware of my presence, as lost as you are in an old man's world of grief and guilt. I know a newer, younger taste of it. And I sense it gets no better as years pass by. You're dying because you think you've killed a piece of me. Destroyed a part of a scrawny boy I realize you have come to think of as your son. But you haven't. You don't replace Sirius, maybe, but then again, I'd never want you to. You're your own person to me. My guidance and my mentor and my safety. I know you care for me as you would someone of your own flesh and blood.

_And it's enough._

I'm no good at this, Dumbledore. Harry Potter has no experience whatsoever being a son. I don't think I ever really got to be a child. But I'm going to try now. I don't want to do this alone. For the first time in my life, I'm admitting that I need someone to help me. I need _your _help.

_I'll help you first._

I'm right beside you, and you still don't know I'm here. I'm hesitant to do this, a part of me wanting to leave now. I'm not sure what I'll do if you disappear too. But I think I need to take the risk. I pull one of your hands away with my own, and hold it there. You regard me in shock. I know you never expected me to speak to you again, much less willingly come near you. 30 minutes ago, I would have agreed.

_But lot's of things have changed._

12 hours ago, I still had Sirius. Twelve hours ago, exams were my biggest problem. And now my biggest problem is _everyone's_ biggest problem. And Sirius isn't here to help.

_He isn't here._

I feel tears start to sting my eyes. I've still got my grip on your hand, but it isn't enough. I'm no good at this affection bit. Molly Weasley gave me the first hug I can ever recall receiving. A tear slips down my face, and I shut my eyes. I'm so afraid of this sudden realization that I need to be loved.

_And you know_.

I sense you rising from your seat. Your hand is weathered as it wipes away a droplet from my cheek. And that ache inside me only hurts more. I want a parent. Sirius could never do that. I'm not sure anyone can. And it hurts so badly.

_I'd never full accepted it._

I'm surprised when you pull me towards you, sure you'd put up your walls and cut me off again. That's always what's happened before. I misbehave and I am punished. So why are you hugging me?

_And do I really care?_

This is a nice feeling. It soothes the ache a little. You were the first person I ever respected and looked up to. The first person I ever tried to gain approval from other than the Dursleys. And you've given it to me. It's a secret I'm about to tell you now. I'm still a little boy, inside my head. I'm still so frightened and so unsure. We're both crying now, a vaguely amusing thought. An old man and a little boy seeking absolution and comfort in one another. And it's working. And suddenly, I realize that for all our flaws, I still respect you and look up to you. And I know, for the first time in my life, that for all my shortcomings and failures...I'm loved anyway.

_So much for hating you_.

Yeah, well, somehow, things never turn out like I plan. And this time, despite my loss, _our_ loss,

_I'm glad._

FIN.

::Peeks nervously around corner:: Any angry mobs? Rabid villagers with pitchforks and torches? Admirers? ::A growl is heard:: Ah, alright then...I'll just...er, leave to your reviews. And please...PRETTY PLEASE review.

* * *

::Is picking up eyeballs off the floor::

19 REVIEWS! AND THEY KEEP COMING!

::Does the happy dance::

THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH! This is the best response I've ever gotten out of one of my stories! So now, I'm going to attempt to give my humble responses to all of you, starting with my first review and working my way up to the latest.

**Mrs. Steiglitz!** - I know you meant for this to be a flame, but your review makes me very happy. Know why? Because your review means you read my story! Thank you for taking the time to read it, and I do apologize for not meeting your expectations. Better luck next time, eh?

**Maexle** - Yeah, I thought it was time everyone stopped seeing Harry as the little immature kid, even the readers. Thanks for boosting my self-esteem, and reviewing!

**anou - **Thanks! Although I must say, after the response I've gotten from all of you, I'm almost afraid to do another one. Don't want to ruin this amazing streak of luck I seem to be having! And please, don't thank me, THANK YOU for your review!

**Miss Laine -** Thank you! I must admit that his thought transitions were actually sort of my OWN thoughts. I was trying to see both the wrongs and the overpowering good of Dumbledore's actions (And blocking out my Geometry teacher at the same time) And the thoughts just kind of came to me as I went. I am enthused by your compliments!

**angelsleeping** - Wow! That's an awful lot of compliments all at once! I'm pleased you liked all the aspects of it. Yeah, I agree, the two of them hugging just makes you feel all warm and gooey, doesn't it? Thanks!

**we3** - Yes, I find the hints JKR drops ore intriguing than if she actually came out and explained the ins and outs of the characters. THANK YOU for noticing one of my main points in the story: Dumbledore IS only human. I still hold him on a pedestal of greatness, of course ::grins:: but he can make mistakes, and it WAS in the name of love for Harry, after all. Thanks!

**classiqfemme** - Thanks for your great review! You have really made me impressed with the writer of this story. Who is it? _Me?_ ::laughs:: yeah, GOOD one! ::Checks Folder:: HOLY COW! ::grins:: Yeah, I agree with you about the 'Harry-goes-bad' stuff. I think those authors sometimes underestimate the strength of human endurance. I think Harry is too kind and his convictions are too set for him to 'go bad' as it were. Thank you!

**Akin** - That's what I was aiming for! Thanks!

**sandy** - Thank you for the review! Having someone review me to tell me they don't know what to say is just...WONDERFUL! It really gives my ego scratch behind the ears.

**Dani** - Well, I certainly agree with you about POV's. They're really rough going sometimes. I'm glad you thought I kept Harry IC, I really felt like I was 'inside his head' when I was writing this! And I'm glad you weren't put off by the jumbled-ness of it all! About more fics in this universe...we'll see, but thanks for your vote of confidence!

**Tamar73** - If Poignant and my writing are ever referred to in the same sentence, then I have been made a very happy person! Thanks.

**Ankha **- I am actually toying with the notion of a little longer fic of this sort. Stay tuned to find out! Glad o know I'm not alone in the world of slacking-off ::winks::

**Queerditch Marsh** - I sort of thought Harry should give DD a break too, and give HIMSELF a break as well. A sixth year ficlet? I dunno, but I'll certainly think about it! Thanks!

**krys -** Always protecting me from ouchy flames. Napalm, my dear? Certainly a nice touch...::BG:: Your reviews mean the world to me. Sorry fr my lack of email, but my system is down ::dies:: THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!

**Spork and Foon** - Love the penname, BTW! I'm glad you enjoyed, and I agree with you about Dumbledore's portrayal in the 5th book. I just hope the 6th sees him ACT on his admitted feelings about Harry, as opposed to a repeat performance. Thanks for the feedback!

**Mafia **- YES! A spot on the Favorites ::Does the happy dance again:: Thanks!

**Tam** - Thanks!

**Dumbledore's Emerald Phoenix** - Awesome? You flatter me. Thank you for the compliment and for reading my fic!

**Rosaleen** - (Last but NOT least) I've Always wanted that to happen for Harry AND Dumbledore. Glad you liked!

THANK YOU ALL!


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